Although I had kind of given up posting here, it's not so much that nothing was happening. In fact it was more that so much was happening that I couldn't really get a handle on things in such a way that I could write about any of it.
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In some ways I know that I am pretty much the same person I was last year and the year before; I still have the same sense of humor, I know that I surely have the same flaws, and, I hope, the same good qualities that I've always had. I guess what I'm finding in myself that is new is a much greater sense of perspective. The older I get, the grayer everything gets. It was so easy as a younger woman to be confident of things in a black and white world, but the lines have gone all fuzzy now. It's not that I don't have opinions, but it's a lot easier now for me to hear the opinions of others. I think it gives me a better view on things in general, but overall I wouldn't say it's made life easier, particularly.
I think the thing that is frustrating to me about the ongoing birthday problem is the realization that I truly always will be a work in progress. There's never going to be a year where I say, this is it, let's stay right at this point and cruise from here on out -- no need to make any more changes. I guess I know, truthfully, that this would be a boring existence, but it would be nice for a birthday to come around and for me to say to myself, you know, this is where I thought I'd be right now. I suppose it's not out of the realm of possibility, but the thing is, my expectations of who I am and who I ought to be become altered based on the experiences I have. So even if I were to reach the point, say, ten years from now, that I currently think I ought to be at then, there's really a pretty good chance that by then, my expectation of what I ought to be at that point will have completely changed.
I suppose it's the way of things.
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Things I think I've done a good job of improving on this year: Enjoying the moment. Acknowledging appreciation of others. Forthrightness. Self-care. Acknowledging what I know I can't do alone.
Things I think could probably still use major renovations: Trying to control situations beyond my control. Procrastination. Turning off a racing mind. Eating a good variety of food. Sitting still with my thoughts.
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Fall is on the way now, and I'm glad. Fall has the best of everything: days where it's so nice you want to be outside and move around and absorb the sun and the crisp air and all that is around you, as well as days where you turn inward, cozy up alone or with loved ones, and take care of what's going on inside. It's a good time to look for perspective, to try and get right with things as much as you can before winter, when it's all about being turned inward.
And so, onward.
