"help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper" twelfth night: iv, ii

Howdy, folks, and welcome all newcomers to the latest stop on the Amy Guth Chanukah blog tour.

For those who have been living under a rock this year, Amy is the author of Three Fallen Women. This is her:

(She gave me an official “author picture” to use but I am using this one instead because I feel like it better portrays her sticking-it-to-the-man-ness.)


By way of introduction to those who are just joining us (since my regular readership is maybe 6 people – hi Mom and Dad), let me just say that in fact I am not Jewish, not even a little bit. However, I will without regret reveal right now that I handed down a massive ass whooping to Ms. Guth last Chanukah when it came time to play dreidel, and I have been richly rewarded with this place on the blog tour.


Now, with introductions out of the way and with no further ado: onto the blog tour survey (or meme, as we’re apparently now calling them):

1. Quick! You must turn a plate of latkes into an upscale gourmet delight (as if they aren't already?). What would you add to them to dress them up, flavor and/or garnish them?

Hmmm. I feel like I ought to add some kind of Eye-talian flair here what with my own heritage and all. So here’s what we do. Grate some parmesan cheese and add that into the latke batter before frying them. Then, roasted eggplant and roasted garlic pureed with a bit of olive oil; put a dollop of that on each latke, then garnish with some fresh chopped basil. Sounds good to me.

2. What is the dumbest thing you've ever heard anyone say about Chanukah?

Oh, man, I said the dumbest thing I can think of. It’s not strictly about Chanukah but I think when you read the story you’ll see that it qualifies in the spirit of the question. I really struggled with whether I should even reveal this or just make something up or go with a second best, but I started feeling like I needed to get it off my chest. Actually one of my readers may even remember this interchange, since he was one of the people I said it to, but hopefully he doesn’t remember it, because that will mean that it wasn’t as big a deal as I felt like it was. Let me also just preface this by saying that I said this 11 years ago when I was a freshman in college. I was a kid, a kid I tell ya.

So it’s early December, my first semester away from home, I’m looking forward to getting through exams and going back home for the holidays and the new year. A friend downstairs just invited me down to her dorm room to watch the "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" special on tv with a bunch of other people. Excited, I head downstairs. I pass by the lounge and see a small group of people sitting and talking. I know most of them, and I’m excited like a little kid about the tv special (which, I swear, I really just thought of as seasonal at the time; my upbringing and leanings were so non-religious that I sometimes didn’t even think about the christian-ness of Christmas, more just as a time of light and traditions), so I stop for a second and say to the group at large “Hey guys, are you coming over to watch the Rudolph special?” The whole group looks at me, kind of dumbfounded, and I can’t figure out why, until one of the girls finally just says “This is the Jewish Students’ Association meeting.”

Aw-kward moment. Oh, man, what an ASSHOLE! Oh, man, I felt like melting into the floor; what a fucking idiot. I tell you what though, it taught me a valuable lesson about how making an assumption can make an ass out of “u” and “mption.” Christ, I’m blushing even as I write this. Onward we roll.

3. What's the best possible use for olive oil?

Best possible?? Wow, that is a hard question. There are so many excellent uses. I’m going to go with sautéing garlic to be tossed with pasta and parmesan cheese. I’ve lived on that at times.

4. Settle it once and for all. Latkes or hammentaschen? Which do you prefer? What about pitting the winner of that contest against sufganiyot?

Ok, so I actually knew what two of the three of these was without even looking them up. In the first bout, latkes win, because potatoes are a good argument for a loving deity, if you ask me, and frying them in oil just makes them more delicious. I have tried hammentaschen a couple times and been underwhelmed. I found them a little dry and just, as sweets go, not very fulfilling. Actually, at a bakery I worked at in Santa Fe, someone came in wanting to know if we could make hammentaschen for Purim. Well, none of the bakers were Jewish (I was the only baker who even knew even a little bit what Purim was and that hammentaschen were the associated pastry), but the owner’s wife was Jewish, and she said she thought she might have a recipe. She brought the recipe in, and we tried to make them, but we couldn’t really get the dough to come together. We ended up making some other kind of similar dough, I think, and then just sort of shaping them approximately right. The owner’s wife was like “These are actually good; real hammentaschen are gross; I didn’t think anyone liked them.” Huh.

As far as sufganiyot go, I had to look them up; I’d never heard of them. They would have had a fighting chance if not for the jelly filling. Ick. Potato pancakes vs. a jelly donut? Winner: Latke.

5. What's the best way to mix up a game of dreidel?

Well, I’ve played dreidel twice in my life; most recently, was the aforementioned time I was the only non-Jewish player, and I WHOOPED ASS. The only other time was when I was a little kid, maybe 6 or 7 years old; for some reason that year we had decided to observe some Chanukah traditions (my folks raised us Unitarian and were all for diversity). My mom had brought home a dreidel and we had very basic instructions on how to play, so she left my sister and I alone with the dreidel and some chocolate coins. The game quickly deteriorated into an argument over which symbol meant what, and then we kind of just abandoned it. Rudolph was probably on tv that night.

6. My novel, Three Fallen Women, shockingly enough, is about the lives of three women. Which three women would you like to have over this year for latkes and why?

I sure would love to be with my sister Jenny and share a nice latke or two; sadly she lives too far for that this year. *Sigh.* Come to think of it, I would also like my mother to join in, as I can’t think of the last time the three of us sat down together and just hung out. Finally, it sounds like I’m sucking up, but Amy Guth would be my third pick; she’s always good for fun times and potato products. Wait what?

7. Other than Three Fallen Women (har har), what book do you think would make a great Chanukah gift this year? What book would you like to receive as a gift this year?

I recently read “In Cold Blood” and really enjoyed it; a gripping read. If I knew someone who hadn’t read it, who could stomach it, I’d get that for them. As for what I would like to receive, well, I have but three words: “U2 by U2”. I’m a dork. What are ya gonna do? Hey, no laughing and pointing or I’ll beat your ass at dreidel, too!!

8. What bloggers didn't participate in Chanukah Blog Tour 5767 and you think should have?

Golly, I have to confess I can’t think of anyone … I’m so out of it in the blogosphere.

Well, anyway, this had been great!! Happy Chanukah everyone; thanks for letting me join in!! (Lesson learned: I did NOT say “thanks for letting me join in your reindeer games!” Progress, not perfection, folks.)

"the future comes apace:" timon of athens: ii, ii

So I was at the post office tonight and by the front door, there is this regular post box that has been painted red, with cute graphics, candy canes, and the words "Santa's Mail" painted on it. Aw, how cute, was my first thought, followed immediately, almost overlappingly (is that a word?) with the thought that inside the mail box is probably a chute that leads directly out to the Dumpster. Wah wah wah wahhh - happy Christmas, kiddies.

So just a quick post here, this evening, and I do want to mention a not-to-be-missed event here at ye olde Skirmish of Wit, happening this coming Friday evening (December 22): I'll be participating in the Chanukah Blog Tour being held by none other than Amy Guth, author of Three Fallen Women. Although I am not Jewish, I have played dreidel, and eaten latkes, and participated in a menorah lighting. So I'm up for anything, and anything I'm a little hazy on, well, I'll just push on through. It'll be a blast so stop on by!

"a christmas comedy" love's labour's lost: v, ii

I'm going to come right out and say that I enjoy Christmas. I actually do. But not in like a rabid, "everything must be perfect," lights up all over the house in mid-November kind of way. I just happen to take some pleasure in the traditions. I'm not religious, but I do like religious Christmas carols, as well as the secular songs of the season. The thing about the religious carols is that, because of the fudging done in the days of early christianity by the Romans to ensure that the pagans would get on board with the new state religion, the whole story of Christmas is more or less fictionalized, seeing as Jesus the historical figure was born in the Spring (I seem to remember). And, being of a literary ilk, I can get behind fictionalized history, with a little bit of poetry thrown in. "O little town of Bethlehem how still we see thee lie/Above thy deep and dreamless streets the silent stars go by." That's nice imagery. As a little kid, that line always got me. I like the kind of old timey sound of the music of the song too. This year it is kind of ridiculously warm for December here in the Northeast. Therefore there's a lot of people out, whooping it up, enjoying the warm weather, in recent evenings. Not exactly deep and dreamless streets, but what are ya gonna do.

I think it's kind of funny how all the news outlets have to do some kind of new take on the Christmas thing at this time of year. It can't just be like "And, this month, millions of christians will celebrate Christmas, putting a strain on retail resources and electrical companies alike" kind of reporting. They've gotta find an angle on the historical thing. "The World of the Nativity" is Newsweek's this year. Pretty soon they'll be grasping at straws. "Joseph and Mary: the first Brangelina?"

I also saw a piece on CNN.com about some fucking asshole pastor in Ohio or someplace who's raging on about the "Secular Jihad" that's taking place against the christians. Uh, sir, I'm not sure you understand what the word "jihad" really means. I mean, yes, strictly speaking, it can mean any kind of vigorous struggle for an idea or principle, but - well, for me anyway - using that word creates a connotation that the people who are attacking have a religious conviction. I guess what he's getting at is that idea so many christians have about Secularism being a religion and blah blah they're trying to extinguish our rights to practice religion. I don't think these folks understand that they're the ones who are trying to impose their will on others, and the people who are being subjected to it are just trying to say, hey, I don't care what you believe, just don't use my tax dollars to pay for a nativity scene at the town hall. I guess that is the problem with "knowing" your faith is the right one: you just can't understand why people won't just see it your way. I started reading at a bookstore (I want to pick up a copy and finish it) this book called "Letter to a Christian Nation," by Sam Harris, and at one point he said something that pretty much sums up my thoughts on the matter; basically what he said was, (he's talking to a Christian here) understand that the way you feel about how wrong Muslims and Jews and whoever else are about religion and God, that's the way I view your beliefs. That's the thing, is religious zealots who think they've got it right, I think, a lot of times just think that people really do secretly believe what they believe, but choose to ignore it. When in fact, no, there's some real holes in your argument.

Anyway, I'm not going to go on about this more, I just think it's so strange that christians in some places think they have this right to monopolize the social and economic calendar every December.

That being said. I do like Christmas, as I mentioned before. I think of it as a pagan ritual, more than anything, to kind of ward off the darkness we're being enveloped in, to draw those we care about closer in our hearts, to prepare for the new year. There's a humor writer for the Washington Post named Gene Weingarten, and he was asked how he views Christmas and approached it when his kids were young, since he is culturally Jewish and his wife is not. He said "Christmas is a terrific time and we get a tree and presents and mom makes soup and stuff! Yay, Christmas!"

I mean, soup! Yeah! I can get behind soup. Let's just not get too pushy if someone doesn't, say, care for soup. I can enjoy my soup just fine, even if someone near me chooses to pass. No problem. I don't need to feel attacked, ya know?

"varying in subjects" love's labour's lost: v, ii

What kind of sicko gets up at 5:15am when 6:00am would have done just as well? This kid, that's who. Why, I cannot say, except that I just get so anxious that I am not going to wake up in time that I never get to sleep very well at all. It's one trait that I truly can say I wouldn't miss in myself if it suddenly disappeared.

****

Conversation I overheard the other night waiting for a bus:

Young Aspiring Hippie Man #1: I couldn't believe how mad he was! And he was all up in my face, like, yelling about you, and I'm all, Dude, I'm not Jason!

Young Aspiring Hippie Man #2: Yeah he totally lost his shit, man, it was unreal.

Young Aspiring Hippie Woman: Wait, so who was that dude?

Young Aspiring Hippie Man #1: This fucking guy Noah, who's all, like bent out of shape.

Young Aspiring Hippie Woman: What was his deal?

Young Aspiring Hippie Man #2: He's just pissed that I threw a brick through his car back window when I was drunk the other night.

Huh. I just wanted to shake them, but I couldn't bear to get too close; they clearly hadn't showered in days.

****

I never buy US Magazine and then feel good about it. I bought one yesterday and I'm just not sure why. I actually used to read it all the time and derive glee from it, from reading about celebrity mishaps. But a few months ago, there was some smug cover story about a famous couple splitting up (maybe), and suddenly it just wasn't fun for me anymore. Yeah, they're famous, but they're still people, and heartbreak isn't something I should feel gleeful about. So what, someone famous made a poor decision in who they fell in love with -- I know plenty of non-famous people who do that, and I don't express pleasure when it happens to them. It was like a moment of clarity, a weird moment where I realized my worldview had shifted. Why did I buy it yesterday? It was a weird regression, I suddenly felt like I wanted to wallow in someone else's despair for a half hour. But it was a joyless wallowing, and now I feel like I should like, donate a pint of blood or something to make up for it.

Actually, I just donated blood a couple weeks ago. It was my first time donating in a mobile blood center, instead of at a center or in a school gymnasium. In the trailers, they have several cots that are all kind of facing each other, so you end up being able to see the other people who are donating. So I'm sitting on the cot, the technician does her thing, gets me started on the donation, and I sit there placidly making conversation for a few minutes. Meanwhile, this other lady comes in and gets started up. Well, she sits there looking at me with this like glint in her eye, and she's pumping her hand fairly furiously while her donation is going on. After several minutes, she takes a phone call from her son and berates him for not getting his homework done early enough. She hangs up the phone, looks down at her donation sac and then back at me, then goes "Ha! I'm totally beating you!" Uh, wahhh? I didn't realize this was a contest! I didn't realize the object here was to lose as much blood as quickly as possible here! Geez! So, yeah, she did beat me. The technician finishes her up, and she sits down for the minimum number of minutes, refusing the Lorna Dunes (Christ, that's the whole reason for donating! Oreos and cranberry juice!), and then swoops out of the trailer, with a sort of "See ya, suckas" attitude. I guess no one told her that there's no award for quickest donation. It was thoroughly bizarre.