It's been an age since I last wrote; it's unacceptable, but in my defense this is one of my busiest times, between work and the trimester at school ending. However. I'm here now, and that's got to count for something.
I try to keep a healthy dose of perspective in my life (I really do), but I usually fail miserably. This time of year is a good time for me to take a few minutes to think about how, in the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty lucky. I won't make a "thanks list" here because my reasons are too personal, and frankly, too hokey, for public viewing, but for the most part it's all the stuff most people are thankful for. Although I'm not what anyone who owns a dictionary would call "religious," I do find that a sort of cosmic thankfulness does me some good when I get to the end of the day.
This year my feelings are a little ... I don't know .... I guess you would say unsettled, because a strange and horrible event happened earlier this week. A person I know, a guy I worked with, a guy I saw last Wednesday, was killed in his apartment on Friday night. The police are investigating it as a homicide; apparently he was stabbed in his own home. This wasn't a guy I knew really well; I happened to know his name because I heard him addressed, and I wouldn't be surprised if he did not know mine .... but it was a guy I saw a few times a week, with whom I always exchanged smiles and a pleasant hello. I won't pretend that I'm emotionally overwrought by this; it would be a lie to say my reaction was emotional when I got the news -- our relationship was very basic and no more than acquaintenceship. But I was disturbed, and, in a distanced way, saddened when I heard the news yesterday morning.
I didn't think about it much yesterday because there was a lot going on around me and in my own work that I needed to focus on, but this afternoon, I heard the managers discussing how his shifts were being covered. One of the managers was the guy who brought him into the job, his friend for the last few years, and it was clear that it was a difficult discussion for him to be having. I started thinking about this guy's family and what this Thanksgiving will be like for them, the seat that their 26-year-old son should have filled sitting empty.
It feels weird and selfish to use someone else's grave misfortune as a lens for my own life, but such is human nature, and I do find this horrible event making me more quick to forgive in my mind, both others and myself; more likely to appreciate small gestures; quicker with a smile for someone having a bad day. For me, the hereafter (if there is one) being uncertain, it seems crazy to put off being nice or taking pleasure in things. Life goes on, yes, work must be done, things will piss me off (this is me we're talking about here) -- but given that anybody, including me, could unwittingly make a fatal choice or fall into a fatal situation beyond one's control, at any time ... well, it's a cliche, but life's too short not to enjoy it. And I do, I feel thankful for the things that I have in my life, and the time that's been alotted to me so far, and the people in my life. I just have to take a few minutes and remember that thankfulness.
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"Cosmic thankfulness"...I like that, and you're right, it's all that we have when confronted with the unfathomable randomness of our life. It helps to remember periodically that "control" is a fairly limited concept and often it's a delusion. That's not a bad thing, but awareness of it does keeps perspective more in line with the bigger picture. - J
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