"see the revolution of the times" king henry iv, part ii: iii, i

The robot revolution has begun.


If you hear a sneaky sucking sound behind you, look out: your
Roomba has heard the call and your demise is surely imminent.

"this is mere madness" hamlet: v, i

Here's how I know that I'm not quite right in the head all the time.

This morning I text messaged a friend I knew was dealing with something unpleasant. "How're you doing?" I texted.

About 5 minutes later I got a text message back:
"Fine thanks."

And rather than thinking to myself "Oh, good, she's 'fine thanks'," what I thought was "Is she mad at me? 'Fine thanks'? What does that mean? I think she's pissed at me for something. Did I say something wrong??"

I somehow managed to read into the phrase "Fine, thanks." In a text message.

But wait, it gets better:

So this afternoon, I texted someone else. I said "How about a movie tonight?"

Ten minutes later I received the following:
"Sure."

"'SURE'?!" I thought. "What have I done to make him mad?"

I don't know what answer I would have preferred. Maybe "yeah, that sounds fun" would have made me feel less insecure. But I don't know. There's a distinct possibility I would have read something into that too. "'That sounds fun?' I think he's being sarcastic!"

I'm going to go ahead and chalk it up to stress. I'm kind of behind on my homework for school this week, but besides that, I am working on a couple of projects for a benefit gala I'm on the planning comittee for, which I am, of course, behind on (this is me we're talking about here). In addition to that, I am also gearing up to stage manage a monthly show at AS220 called the Empire Revue, and as much as I am looking forward to it, I'm quite nervous as well. Plus I also just became a board member for the All Children's Theater, a group I was a member of all through middle and high school, and so I'm starting to think about all that that will entail. Not to mention that I need to start pulling something together for my school externship, and the fact that the holidays are fast approaching and I am going to get slammed at work here pretty soon.

All in all, I'm not that surprised that my mind is a little cuckoo right now.

Still. I see no need to read between the lines in text messages that are, let's face it, less than one line long. There's no "between" there.

This Australian PSA made me feel a lot better though:

"an apple, cleft in two, is not more twin than these two creatures" twelfth night: v, i

So, I have to confess that I did look for photos of Boy George when he was doing his community service in NYC, picking up trash. I didn't feel good about it, though -- he's a bit of a wash-up at this point, he looks like hell these days, and more than anything it just seemed sad to me. However, I took pure glee in this one. Why? Because Naomi Campbell is not a wash-up, she's a spoiled brat who threw a cell phone while she was having a temper tantrum because something didn't go exactly her way. The article states that "she has blamed her temper on lingering resentment toward her father for abandoning her as a child." Get over it. It's sad and all that her father abandoned her, but it doesn't even register on the scale of acceptable excuses for assaulting at least three employees.


In other exciting news, I have joined the wireless revolution, and I am now typing to you from a brand spanking new MacBook. It's great. My favorite perk so far is that it has a built in camera with PhotoBooth, software that lets me take pictures using different cool filters such as this one:


Fun, right?

Oh, also, apparently I have a twin roaming around the city; according to V. she looks so much like me that people who know me have addressed her as if she was me before taking a second look and realizing that it's not in fact me. Now, I assume that since we are twins, one of us must be the evil twin, so I will assume, unless I meet her and it proves to be otherwise, that I am the evil twin.

Someone I work with speculated that if we ever did meet, it would create a tear in the space/time continuum and unmake the world. Maybe I'll stay in tonight, just in case.

"o brave new world" the tempest: v, i

So I absolutely must have the new iPhone.

Oh, I know, I know, it's $499 - $599; it's an unecessary commodity; it's replacing items I already have.

Did you catch the important letter in that last clause? I'll give you a hint. The letter is "s".

It's replacing itemS I already have.

Holy Mother of God -- this thing is fucking amazing!!!! When I first read the story on it on CNN, my attitude was that, yeah, it's cool, but something I could live without. I mean, I have a phone I like already (I even get complements on it - it's tiny and it slides open), and I am also lucky enough to have an iPod already, and it's only a year old.

But oh my gosh the iPhone is SO AWESOME. Check out the specs on the site, seriously. And, truly, please believe me when I say I am not someone who usually jumps up at every new gadget and must have it. I mean, I like my technology and all, but I try to be reasonable. But this little beauty allows you to talk on the phone, or listen to music, or browse the internet and access email using a real web browser - and there aren't any fucking buttons! It's all touch-screeen, but a new touch-screen technology that disregards unintended motions. Oh, and it has a proximity sensor that tells it when you put the phone to your ear so you don't make erroneous selections with the side of your face while talking. Oh, and also, it has a sensor that tells it when you turn it on its side and flips to landscape view automatically. And check out the new music browsing interface, in which you actually flip through album cover art in the same way you would look at a record collection.

If you have like an hour to spare, check out the video of Steve Jobs introducing it. I intended to watch only a moment of it, but I was sucked in, watching Steve Jobs work his voodoo mojo on the salivating hippie geeks at the MacWorld conference. They could barely contain themselves, and, boy, did Steve know how to work it. The whole thing was a masterpiece. I actually couldn't watch the whole thing - there were too many other people trying to watch the video at the same time and my connection was lost. I'm telling you, this thing is about to blow wide open -- this is the wave of the fricking future. I think that with this invention, we might be able to achieve world peace.


***

In other news, Paris Hilton is a fucking dumbass. Muchos muchos gracias to the lovely and talented Katie Schwartz for being an alert reader of pop culture and making me aware of this fucking gem. It's positively breathtaking on so many levels. If you want to feel good about yourself today for not being a dumbass, this video is sure to do the trick.

"like a bold champion, i assume the lists" pericles, prince of tyre: i, i

Wow, I got "tagged" this week by two bloggers! Exciting world I've entered, this blogosphere. I'd best get on it before the "tagging" starts piling up! (I'm going to keep mostly quiet about the fact that "tagging" someone to make lists seems suspiciously similar to sending out an email poll. I'm just glad to be here!)

First, I was tagged by the "lovely and talented" Amy Guth, author of the fantastic new novel Three Fallen Women, and, as it happens, one of my favorite people.

So this is the "book meme" she tagged me on (the quotes are because I'm just learning all this newfangled terminology):
1 ) One book that changed your life: Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll. The book that taught me to love reading.
2) One book that you'd read more than once: The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger.
3 ) One book you'd want on a deserted island: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. There's a lot I’ll never get at in there. But that kind of free time might help.
4) One book that made you laugh: High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
5) One book that made you cry: *sigh* I don't cry much for books, but I did just read a play called Indoor/Outdoor by Kenny Finkle, about a cat and her owner, and I have to confess that I was a little teary at the end.
6) One book you wish you'd written: About a Boy, Nick Hornby. A lot of good characters who are all going somewhere in the story.
7) One book you wish had never been written: The Left Behind series.
8) One book you're currently reading: Moab is my Washpot: An autobiography, Stephen Fry
9) One book you've been meaning to read: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer
10) Tag 5 people: Well, I don't know all that many people out there on the blogosphere, but I guess those I tag without blogs could post responses in my comments section. So I tag Like Pollution's V., Rational Leftist's Adam (maybe he'll finally post something, the lazy PhD-seeking slacker), ummm, let's see, oh, Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah is someone whose posts I always enjoy; I'll tag her too ... and, ok, how 'bout my dad, Rob, and my mom, Jan. Maybe they'll comment on my blog for a change!

Ok, so the other "tag" I got was from the very funny Katie Schwartz, whose blog I am a relative newcomer to, but who I so far find quite entertaining. This meme was a little more open ended so I am just going to go with it:

::five things you don't know about me:: [maybe]

1. I know a lot of keystroke shortcuts for MS Word. Ok, ok, a lot of people know that Control-Z is Undo, and Control-A is Select All, etc. But did you know that Control-] will make selected text increase in font size, and Control-[ will make it decrease? Also, Shift-F3 toggles selected text from lowercase to initial capitalized to all caps. Control-K is the shortcut for the “degrees” symbol. (On a Mac, you would use the Apple key instead of Control.) There's more ... so much more. But I'll move on.

2. I can’t keep myself from reading every comic strip in the comics section of a newspaper, no matter how bad it is. There’s text and pictures on the page, I must read it. So once I start reading, even if it’s just to keep up with Get Fuzzy, I have to stick it out all the way through For Better or for Worse, Family Circus, and, yes, even Marmaduke.

3. I confess that I often prefer a mix tape (or, now, playlist) to listening to a series of albums. I mean, there are some albums that just do better as a whole, and I generally listen to them in their entirety; however, as a general rule, I'm much happier keeping a nice variety going. So sue me.

4. I wore sneakers under my wedding dress. No one was the wiser. And my feet were much happier.

5. I read every advice column I can get my hands on: Miss Manners, Dear Abby, Ask Amy, Savage Love, Tell Me About It, heck, I even read Hints from Heloise if I'm reading a paper that carries it! I don't know why. I'm not looking for advice; heck, I rarely accept advice from people I know and love, let alone some stranger! I guess reading other people's problems and an advice columnist's answers is like my version of a soap opera obsession.

So, anyway, I guess that's all from here. I think I'm supposed to tag people on this one too, so how about V. again, and Adam again, my sister Jenny, and how about Carolyn, too.

"told by an idiot, full of sound and fury" macbeth: v, v

My alma mater is adorable! They think I actually give a crap if they have some kind of emergency that they want to notify me about by email.

I just received in my junk mail inbox the following message:

In our continuing efforts to ensure our ability to provide emergency notifications from the [Nonspecific College] campus when necessary, we are testing our email capability.

Please reply back " Received " in the body of the email . Thank you.

Now, in case the fact that an email from my college went directly into my junk email box hasn't given you a clear picture of things, I'll just go ahead and let you know that I'm not really on speaking terms with the school right now. Don't get me wrong, my education was just fine and dandy and I met some of the greatest people - students, staff, and faculty alike - that I know there. However, the school and I don't speak because I'm not really pleased with the direction the school is headed in (they recently bragged that entering freshmen SAT scores were now averaging something like 1099) ...

So given my unwillingness to talk to these guys for like, you know, normal stuff, why on earth would I reply to a creepy email about emergency notifications? What possible emergencies would I, an alumna now for 7 or so years, need to be aprised of? "Alumni Emergency Alert! We need to know what color balloons you want to have at your reunion! Please reply immediately!" No way.

***

In other news, gas prices being what they are, I took the bus to and from work today, and was delighted to be approached by Nutty O'Nutahan while at the bus stop (if by "delighted" I mean "displeased"). A woman about my age, she marched up to the bus stop where about 6 people were waiting and agressively demanded the time. My mistake was being the person who answered. She parked herself next to me and started gabbing - despite no encouragement from me - about why women and senior citizens are such crappy drivers and described a recent instance where she had been driving and been cut off by an older woman and so she "flipped her the bird" as she said. Much to my relief, the bus arrived at that point and I allowed a couple of people to board between us. Noting where she sat, I moved to the opposite end of the bus and sat down and put my headphones on.

As soon as the bus started moving, this gal stood up, looked around, saw me, and - despite my lack of eye contact - moved back and parked herself next to me again. I ignored her (cause, you know - headphones) as she began to launch into another speech, until she saw that I had headphones in and tugged on my jacket sleeve until I turned to look at her and listen!"There was another incident where I was at an intersection and ...." After that point, it actually wasn't too bad; I simply nodded every couple seconds, not really listening to what she said. At one point I realized she had asked me a question and had to respond, but for the most part, I was able to just tune her out. Even still, her voice wasn't as relaxing as simply putting my head back and listening to music. I guess that's the price you pay for public transportation. Plus, you know ... the fare.

"fortune's cat" all's well that ends well: v, ii

So I'm catching up on my world news a little, reading some of Ye Olde BBC Worlde Newes, which I do from time to time to see how those in other parts of the world view us, and I stumbled upong this: US Hypoallergenic Cats Go on Sale. A snippet:

US biotech firm Allerca says it has managed to selectively breed [the world's first specially-bred hypoallergenic cats ] by reducing a certain type of protein that triggers allergic reactions.

The cats will not cause the red eyes, sneezing and even asthma that some cat allergy sufferers experience, except in the most acute cases.

Despite costing $3,950 (£2,104), there is already a waiting list to get one.

So, let me get this straight. They can't make a saran wrap that actually sticks to any kind of container's lip or that doesn't unwind from its cardboard tube without unravelling unevenly and ripping, but they can selectively breed a cat that won't make someone's allergies flare up? So, they're saying that they can't, say, oh, I don't know ... find a cure for cancer (just brainstorming here), but they can make specially formulated cats?

I'm not the only one who finds this to be an astonishing misuse of funds, right?

And please, tell me I'm not the only one to be astounded that there is an actual waiting list of people ready to pay more than the in-state admission costs for some state schools for one of these cats?

Not to mention the whole can of worms this opens up. Just think: in as little as 15 years from now, they could have "selectively bred" a whole army of super cats, cats whose genes predispose them to attacking humans, pillaging PetCos, and ultimately conquering humans and subjecting us to an all Yarn-Based entertainment industry. The Horror! I mean, I'm a cat person and all, but, people -- where does the madness end?!

"marvellous sweet music!" the tempest: iii, iii

I'm not going to be shy about admitting that I am a child of the 80s. I was born in the late 70s and my predominant childhood memories are all in the 80s. Since I wasn't a teenager in the 80s, my perception of being a teenager in the 80s was shaped by the movies and music and television that was all around me. My babysitters all watched MTV - yes, we were able to be transfixed even though "all they did" was play music videos. By the time the 90s had rolled around, I was already well into the world-weary preteen years, already looking back at what I thought was my wasted childhood and my inability to return to those halcyon days. The 80s were a simpler time, a time when technology still seemed to hold the keys to the future, when we could still say "cool!" when we saw a computer in someone's house, but it was the turning point, too, a time when somehow there was a balance between naive wonder at the world before us as well as a new understanding of the problems of our world, and how we as a generation would have to face them, and use the new tools at our disposal to try and make the world a better place. Even though every generation says this, it was a unique time that shaped my view of the world today.

(Oh, a side note before I continue. To the very sweet, very friendly, very young people that I seem to encounter a lot lately as the new school year gets in full swing: You are adorable. You are fresh-faced and naive, and your determination and upbeat attitude is refreshing to me. My only advice to you in dealing with folks of "my generation" -- who, let's face it, are really only about 8 to 12 years older than you -- is this. If you're going to ask my age, that's fine, I will answer gladly; I'm not one of those women who won't reveal her age. But when I reply gamely "Twenty-nine," try to avoid widening your eyes and saying "Wow!" It tends to be off-putting. And the half-hearted follow up of "you don't look twenty-nine" barely covers things. Just letting you know.)

Well, back to my original point. I'm a child of the 80s, and my perception of life has been shaped by that fact. So, it is with a little trepidation and a fair amount of embarrassment that I admit the following fact about myself: I often think in music montages. That's right, you know those scenes popularized in the teen flicks of the 80s where, to get the point across of some kind of dynamic action taking place over the course of time, the only sound is a catchy song with lyrics that barely tie into the plot and the scenes show the progression of action happening quickly so we can get to the happy denoument. Well. Sometimes - ok, a lot of times, and it happens even more now that I have an iPod - I'll be doing a very normal, everyday thing, such as laundry, and I'll imagine it all going down as a musical montage. As I pull up to the laundromat, the opening riff of Adam Ant's "Goody Two Shoes" will play in my head, and every mundane action as I do my wash will appear in my head as a cut shot in a montage set to that song. It's .... well, let's face it, it's a little pathetic.

The culprit for this disorder is one of two movies:

The Breakfast Club, "We Are Not Alone" (Karla DeVito). This one was key because it was about teens and high school, and I was very influenced by anything I thought older kids were doing. At first glance, this scene doesn't seem quite so much a montage as it is just a crappy dance scene, but it skyrockets into montage range when they do the cuts of different characters dancing on the railing. Highlights include Judd Nelson dry humping the sculpture, Molly Ringwald showing off her super-cool princess outfit as she dances on the landing, and Emilio Estevez playing air guitar in all his stonewashed-jean glory. These kids didn't have much in common, but crappy pseudo-rock brought them to new levels of understanding.

The Karate Kid, "You're the Best" (Joe Esposito). Possibly the gold standard by which all movie music montages must be judged. It has a lot going for it, from the clenched fist of approval from the Cobra Kai Sensai, to the twitchy-classic-jock-neck-cracking performed by the bleach blond Cobra Kai lackey before he enters the ring with Daniel-san, to Mr. Miyagi's passive onlooking, joined by a chipper Elizabeth Shue. What makes this montage so spectacular is that they show the match officials moving Daniel-san's name placard up and up on the tournament standings chart, to indicate him moving effortlessly through to the championships. Most important, they chose a song that really kicks it into the next level through the use of switching between major and minor keys, really building up the tension and getting you ready for the all-time classic Sweep-the-Leg Moment ("Put him in a body bag, yeah!") that follows shortly after. You can't beat this top-notch montage.

In any case, this problem is one I'm going to have to live with. So, fresh-faced youngsters, if you catch me bopping my head and singing to myself as I carry out an everyday task, just chalk it up to the fact that in my head, I'm living it up in the old days. Just try not to say "Wow."

"a bountiful answer that fits all questions" all's well that ends well: ii; ii

I'm fascinated today by the idea of internet quizzes. I saw one today on someone's myspace page that was "which zodiac fairy are you?" and I couldn't resist, so I went ahead and took it. The questions were "1. When does your birthday fall (most important)" and gave a list of the normal divisions of months associated with the zodiac we know. "2. What is your favorite planet or formation??" (the two question marks are as they appeared in the quiz) and "3. What is your favorite color?", giving a list of absurd colors, none of which really fit the bill for me. So I answered as well as I could and was given a zodiac fairy that doesn't match up with my actual sign and didn't really match up with my character traits either. I reanswered several times and finally came up with a list of traits that fit me, which also happened to be my zodiac sign as well. Huh. Of course, the questions were not answered correctly for me at that point, but I got the result that seemed right, so I guess it all worked out in the end. Maybe I was learning something about the way I answered the questions in the first place!

So it got me wondering about these internet quizzes. Am I missing something about myself? Maybe there are sides of me that I don't see clearly, sides that only a quiz written by someone ten years my junior with some basic knowledge of the internet can reveal to me! So I started poking around to see what I could learn about myself.

My Geek Profile states that my highest Geek Level is in Music, followed by Movies, with smaller Geek Level showings in the areas of Academics, Fashion, and being a Gamer, and I have no Geek Levels in the areas of General Geekiness and SciFi. Not too much new there, although I would have thought a lifetime of watching Star Trek and TNG would have gotten me something for SciFi. Shows how much I know.

Could I pass 8th Grade History? Well, yes, I could, which makes sense, because I did. Although I am embarrassed to admit I missed a question (they don't tell you which one though!)

What kind of coffee am I? According to this quiz, I am iced coffee. "At your best, you are: hyper, modern, and athletic. At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty. You drink coffee when: you're out with friends. Your caffeine addiction level: medium." Hmmm. This is interesting. I never knew I was cheap and angsty. Heck, I didn't even really know there was such a word, but this internet quiz has proven otherwise. "Hyper, modern, athletic;" I kind of sound like a hybrid car, don't I? It's also good that this quiz told me when I drink coffee, because I hadn't noticed.

What's my Hidden Talent? Now this one sounded promising, and it delivered! All I had to do was click on the picture that appealed to me most, and presto! it told me what my hidden talent is!! "Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people. You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together. Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly. People crave your praise and complements." Now I know! Maybe I should try to get a position at the UN or something! Thanks, internet quiz!

Finally, in starting up this new blog, I thought I should find out What Kind of Blogger I am. And - readers beware - apparently I am a "Snarky Blogger," which means that I've "got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read [my] posts as often as they can!" So things are off to a good start for me! I'll try not to disappoint, Dear Reader.